Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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