That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
