five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
