Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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