I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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