The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
