You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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