I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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