i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
