I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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