Well douche your snatch and let's go!
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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