No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
BRING THE BAGELS
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
