What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Come on in and take your pants off
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