11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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