I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
