They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
