I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
