too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize