Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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