Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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