I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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