So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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