Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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