A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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