Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
