Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
