I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
