he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
