My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
