at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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