Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
