remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
