Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
