my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This is classic penis vs brain.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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