so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
