my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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