All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
