Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
