There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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