I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
