Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
