OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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