i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
