Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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