you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
