butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
