My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
