you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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