she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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