you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
