babies were throwing up all over the place
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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