seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
