3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
