it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So here I am, sexting at work.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
