Well apparently he's into motor boating.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
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