I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
