I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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