just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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