Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
