this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
