i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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