My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
