I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
