im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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