He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
